Marriage is an important part of leading one's life. Over 90% of people in the world get married. In surveys all over the world, most young people say they want to get married. They want to find their "soul mate" and share a happy, fulfilling life together.
Sadly, not all these hopes and dreams come true. Marriage can be very challenging. It is best to prepare ahead for marriage, while you are young. Otherwise, you may not be ready for the challenges.
Marriage is like a journey. Have you ever read about the pioneers who crossed the North American Great Plains in covered wagons to go West? Marriage is like setting out on such a journey with your partner. People have gone ahead of you on the path, but only you will have your own unique experience.
Along the way, you will run into many difficulties as well as joys. You will be changed by the journey. There is much you will have to adapt to. There are many qualities and strengths you will have to find inside yourself that you never knew you had.
As the pioneers found, there are many things you will have to give up along the way and leave on the side of the road during the journey. The pioneers could not cross rivers and go up hills with heavy furniture from their former homes in the East. So they threw them out of their wagons and left them behind on the road. You will find that there are many self-centered things in your character that are too burdensome to take along on the journey of marriage. You will have to cast them aside and leave them behind.
Being married means being willing to think not in terms of me but of us. Marriage is good practice in true love, because it means living for the sake of another person, even if it calls for a sacrifice on your part.
In the intimacy of marital life everything about ourselves is exposed to our partner. Who we have become up until then is on display to our spouse and family every day. Will they like what they see in us? Are we patient, kind, sacrificial, willing to work and help with a cheery and positive attitude? If so, we will have marital happiness. If not, there will be much strife. It is best to develop your virtues now, so you are better prepared for the journey of marriage.
Commitment
One thing about such a journey: there's no turning back. We must be committed in marriage.
Yes, we know that there is widespread divorce in the world. People give up on solving their problems together and decide to separate. Yet most divorced people do not find their problems solved by the divorce. They are still unhappy, stressed, and sometimes less healthy than people who have happy marriages. What is more, the divorce rate for people who marry a second time is higher than the divorce rate for people who marry for the first time. Divorce doesn't teach you anything about being a better marriage partner; and switching partners to someone new (and hopefully better) doesn't seem to work either.
In contrast, people who stay with their marriages often work through their difficulties and become happier together a few years down the road. This is why commitment is so important. Down the road, there may be beautiful waterfalls, rich forests, and azure skies. Giving up too soon and too easily—not making and keeping the commitment of marriage—means that you may miss out on the wonderful things ahead.
It is helpful to know that most successful marriages go through three stages: a first stage of romance where everything is good and wonderful; a second stage of disappointment and disillusionment when the reality of building a relationship sinks in; and a third stage in which the couple recommit themselves to each other despite all the problems and shortcomings. To get through these stages successfully, people need to stay committed to the marriage.
In the first stage of a relationship we all tend to show off our best side. We dress and behave well, bringing out the best in ourselves and our partner. Everything is wonderful. We are madly in love. There's little effort involved.
However, in time a couple will begin to discover each other's weaknesses and bad habits. Perhaps for the first time they will begin to feel negative things about their spouse as they live together day in and day out. Soon they don't like everything about the person any more. They start to think that something has gone wrong with the relationship and that perhaps it wasn’t really love at all—or that they married the wrong person. It is at this point that many couples, especially in our modern world, decide to divorce.
However, if we understand that this is a normal part of a developing relationship, we can learn to deal with the problems in a more constructive way. In fact, we should consider this stage an opportunity for the relationship to grow to a deeper level. We should hold on to our marriages, doing everything we can to improve them. When we come through this stage by being committed to one another no matter what, we will experience a deep and irreplaceable love. What is more, this love allows us to be a force for love in the world as we raise our children, become good neighbors, co-workers, friends, and community members.
Bo Lozoff, married over thirty years, says:
"It begins to dawn on you that your partner has not only seen the best that she fell in love with but she has seen the worst over the years and she still loves you. You have seen the worst in her and you still love her. It begins to dawn on us that marriage can be a sacred tool for helping us transcend conditional love; to really understand whole love, which sees all the best and worst and says, "I've seen all of you and I love you…which then translates out to loving everybody and everything in the universe."
Comments
Commitment in marriage is to recognize the value of a lifelong union between a man and a woman. It involves a lifelong commitment to marriage itself. In the marriage ceremony, we make a commitment to our partner and the community of believers and loved ones, who have come to support and witness this commitment. We commit ourselves to live with this person no matter what: in sickness and in health, for richer or for poorer. We are willing to go through difficult experiences without leaving or even threatening to leave. We accept this person as our spouse. Indeed, making a commitment is what a wedding ceremony is all about.
Through this kind of commitment, we can experience a tremendous bonding with our spouse. Instead of rejecting, withdrawing from, closing off or separating from our spouse, if we digest the undesirable experiences and emotions, always working together for positive change, we can experience a more profound love—where two people become united as one in mind, heart, and body.
Fidelity
Many virtues or character strengths contribute to happy marriages. As you develop your good character now, you are actually investing in your future marital happiness. The more honest, loyal, trustworthy, patient, unselfish and giving you become now, the happier your marriage will be.
However, there is one virtue--fidelity—that stands out from all the rest. It is as important as commitment and is related to it. Fidelity means sexual faithfulness to one's partner. If a person is one in mind, heart, and body with his or her spouse, it is impossible to then become one with someone else without being torn away from or separating from the spouse. Infidelity shreds a marriage. While some marriages have been repaired after an infidelity, it is extremely hard to do. Most marriages are never the same after sexual infidelity.
What most modern people want in marriage is intimacy—being extremely close on all levels to a beloved and loving partner. Young people say they yearn for a "soul mate"—the person they can be very close to in a special way forever. This is intimacy. Yet intimacy is based on trust. You do not tell your deepest secrets to someone you do not trust (if you have ever had a friend spread your secrets around, you know how much it can hurt). You do not show your most tender heart to someone you do not trust. You do not give yourself sexually to someone who does not value it enough to keep it sacred between the two of you. Infidelity tears trust apart in a couple, destroying intimacy—destroying love itself.
While commitment and fidelity may not seem very romantic, they are actually the bedrock of romance. They are the ground upon which the flowers of romance grow.
Commitment and fidelity are the twin pillars of marriage—they hold the house of marriage up. As long as a couple is committed and faithful to one another, their marriage has a base for success. Without commitment and fidelity, a marriage has little hope to make it through the difficulties of life's journey together.
As you hope for a happy marriage in the future, think about developing virtues within yourself. Are you unselfish? Are you able to think of another person before you think of yourself? Do you love others for their sake or only for what you can get from them? Do you keep your commitments? Are you loyal? Are you sexually abstinent? If your answers to all these questions is yes, you are well on your way to a happy future marriage.
Questions for Reflection
1. What are the two main virtues you need for a successful marriage?
2. What other virtues are important in marriage?
3. What are the different stages of marriage?
4. Can you understand why some people give up in the second stage? Why shouldn't they?
5. How does marriage help us grow in love?
Exercise: “Inquiry on Marriage”
Ask your parents and married relatives to tell you the story of their life together, finding out all you can about married life. What do their stories tell you about the nature of physical and emotional intimacy? About what makes for a good relationship? About the experience of love as you get older? What promises did they make to each other on their wedding day? Are they keeping those promises? Is their relationship different from the expectations they had before they got married? In what way? After getting answers to these questions, what advice would you give a young person on establishing a successful marriage and family?
Sadly, not all these hopes and dreams come true. Marriage can be very challenging. It is best to prepare ahead for marriage, while you are young. Otherwise, you may not be ready for the challenges.
Marriage is like a journey. Have you ever read about the pioneers who crossed the North American Great Plains in covered wagons to go West? Marriage is like setting out on such a journey with your partner. People have gone ahead of you on the path, but only you will have your own unique experience.
Along the way, you will run into many difficulties as well as joys. You will be changed by the journey. There is much you will have to adapt to. There are many qualities and strengths you will have to find inside yourself that you never knew you had.
As the pioneers found, there are many things you will have to give up along the way and leave on the side of the road during the journey. The pioneers could not cross rivers and go up hills with heavy furniture from their former homes in the East. So they threw them out of their wagons and left them behind on the road. You will find that there are many self-centered things in your character that are too burdensome to take along on the journey of marriage. You will have to cast them aside and leave them behind.
Being married means being willing to think not in terms of me but of us. Marriage is good practice in true love, because it means living for the sake of another person, even if it calls for a sacrifice on your part.
In the intimacy of marital life everything about ourselves is exposed to our partner. Who we have become up until then is on display to our spouse and family every day. Will they like what they see in us? Are we patient, kind, sacrificial, willing to work and help with a cheery and positive attitude? If so, we will have marital happiness. If not, there will be much strife. It is best to develop your virtues now, so you are better prepared for the journey of marriage.
Commitment
One thing about such a journey: there's no turning back. We must be committed in marriage.
Yes, we know that there is widespread divorce in the world. People give up on solving their problems together and decide to separate. Yet most divorced people do not find their problems solved by the divorce. They are still unhappy, stressed, and sometimes less healthy than people who have happy marriages. What is more, the divorce rate for people who marry a second time is higher than the divorce rate for people who marry for the first time. Divorce doesn't teach you anything about being a better marriage partner; and switching partners to someone new (and hopefully better) doesn't seem to work either.
In contrast, people who stay with their marriages often work through their difficulties and become happier together a few years down the road. This is why commitment is so important. Down the road, there may be beautiful waterfalls, rich forests, and azure skies. Giving up too soon and too easily—not making and keeping the commitment of marriage—means that you may miss out on the wonderful things ahead.
It is helpful to know that most successful marriages go through three stages: a first stage of romance where everything is good and wonderful; a second stage of disappointment and disillusionment when the reality of building a relationship sinks in; and a third stage in which the couple recommit themselves to each other despite all the problems and shortcomings. To get through these stages successfully, people need to stay committed to the marriage.
In the first stage of a relationship we all tend to show off our best side. We dress and behave well, bringing out the best in ourselves and our partner. Everything is wonderful. We are madly in love. There's little effort involved.
However, in time a couple will begin to discover each other's weaknesses and bad habits. Perhaps for the first time they will begin to feel negative things about their spouse as they live together day in and day out. Soon they don't like everything about the person any more. They start to think that something has gone wrong with the relationship and that perhaps it wasn’t really love at all—or that they married the wrong person. It is at this point that many couples, especially in our modern world, decide to divorce.
However, if we understand that this is a normal part of a developing relationship, we can learn to deal with the problems in a more constructive way. In fact, we should consider this stage an opportunity for the relationship to grow to a deeper level. We should hold on to our marriages, doing everything we can to improve them. When we come through this stage by being committed to one another no matter what, we will experience a deep and irreplaceable love. What is more, this love allows us to be a force for love in the world as we raise our children, become good neighbors, co-workers, friends, and community members.
Bo Lozoff, married over thirty years, says:
"It begins to dawn on you that your partner has not only seen the best that she fell in love with but she has seen the worst over the years and she still loves you. You have seen the worst in her and you still love her. It begins to dawn on us that marriage can be a sacred tool for helping us transcend conditional love; to really understand whole love, which sees all the best and worst and says, "I've seen all of you and I love you…which then translates out to loving everybody and everything in the universe."
Comments
Commitment in marriage is to recognize the value of a lifelong union between a man and a woman. It involves a lifelong commitment to marriage itself. In the marriage ceremony, we make a commitment to our partner and the community of believers and loved ones, who have come to support and witness this commitment. We commit ourselves to live with this person no matter what: in sickness and in health, for richer or for poorer. We are willing to go through difficult experiences without leaving or even threatening to leave. We accept this person as our spouse. Indeed, making a commitment is what a wedding ceremony is all about.
Through this kind of commitment, we can experience a tremendous bonding with our spouse. Instead of rejecting, withdrawing from, closing off or separating from our spouse, if we digest the undesirable experiences and emotions, always working together for positive change, we can experience a more profound love—where two people become united as one in mind, heart, and body.
Fidelity
Many virtues or character strengths contribute to happy marriages. As you develop your good character now, you are actually investing in your future marital happiness. The more honest, loyal, trustworthy, patient, unselfish and giving you become now, the happier your marriage will be.
However, there is one virtue--fidelity—that stands out from all the rest. It is as important as commitment and is related to it. Fidelity means sexual faithfulness to one's partner. If a person is one in mind, heart, and body with his or her spouse, it is impossible to then become one with someone else without being torn away from or separating from the spouse. Infidelity shreds a marriage. While some marriages have been repaired after an infidelity, it is extremely hard to do. Most marriages are never the same after sexual infidelity.
What most modern people want in marriage is intimacy—being extremely close on all levels to a beloved and loving partner. Young people say they yearn for a "soul mate"—the person they can be very close to in a special way forever. This is intimacy. Yet intimacy is based on trust. You do not tell your deepest secrets to someone you do not trust (if you have ever had a friend spread your secrets around, you know how much it can hurt). You do not show your most tender heart to someone you do not trust. You do not give yourself sexually to someone who does not value it enough to keep it sacred between the two of you. Infidelity tears trust apart in a couple, destroying intimacy—destroying love itself.
While commitment and fidelity may not seem very romantic, they are actually the bedrock of romance. They are the ground upon which the flowers of romance grow.
Commitment and fidelity are the twin pillars of marriage—they hold the house of marriage up. As long as a couple is committed and faithful to one another, their marriage has a base for success. Without commitment and fidelity, a marriage has little hope to make it through the difficulties of life's journey together.
As you hope for a happy marriage in the future, think about developing virtues within yourself. Are you unselfish? Are you able to think of another person before you think of yourself? Do you love others for their sake or only for what you can get from them? Do you keep your commitments? Are you loyal? Are you sexually abstinent? If your answers to all these questions is yes, you are well on your way to a happy future marriage.
Questions for Reflection
1. What are the two main virtues you need for a successful marriage?
2. What other virtues are important in marriage?
3. What are the different stages of marriage?
4. Can you understand why some people give up in the second stage? Why shouldn't they?
5. How does marriage help us grow in love?
Exercise: “Inquiry on Marriage”
Ask your parents and married relatives to tell you the story of their life together, finding out all you can about married life. What do their stories tell you about the nature of physical and emotional intimacy? About what makes for a good relationship? About the experience of love as you get older? What promises did they make to each other on their wedding day? Are they keeping those promises? Is their relationship different from the expectations they had before they got married? In what way? After getting answers to these questions, what advice would you give a young person on establishing a successful marriage and family?